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Anyone and everyone, i am looking for jokes relating to riding motorcycles. Lets try to keep the Harley jokes to a minimum. Now see that is a joke!! :D
 

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Sorry about the HD reference, but have to relate this story. My cousin just bought a new Ultra. He was so proud of it that he had a large photo taken of it and hung it above the couch in his living room just to show it off. Unfortunately, he had to take the picture down a few days later as it had ruined the couch. Darn thing leaked oil all over it.
 

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How about this one.

Why Men are Rarely Published in Dear Abby:


Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your
advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some
time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...
phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been
going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their
names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know
them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home,
but she always walks down the drive. Anyway, I have never
approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just
didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again
and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park
my Harley Davidson motor cycle next to the garage and then hide
behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she
came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that
I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a
little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it
back to the dealer?
 

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Alright you meatheads.
Get this thread in order, NOW!
I better see some serious humor here or I'm starting a
protest thread asking LaMont to wipe this bugger off the board.
Now let's see some gut wrenching, teary eyed ROTFLMAO stuff.
And my courteous and considerate attitude is not effected by GWLUFTW syndrome.
(Gold Wing Locked Up For The Winter).
Cold is cool.
White is nice.
Wing needs the rest.
Maybe snow skiing....nah!
DC
 

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all the elves were on goldwings

A Christmas Story!



When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not
produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This
stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them
were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.



When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
 

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joke

ok, Henry Ford died and went to heaven, St Peter meet him at the pearley gates. Told him only people with great accomplishments were left in. Henry said he put a nation on wheels, he then asked St Petre what he had done to be let in. St Peter replied, I took a rib from Adam and made a women, and Henry repilied, but you have some design flaws in her. St Peter ask what they were. Henry said, you put the intake too close to the exhaust, St Peter replied that there were still more men riding mine than there are yours.
 

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A blind man walked into an all female biker bar, and asked the bartender if she wanted to hear a good 'blonde' joke.

Before the bartender could reply, one woman sitting near him said; "Do you realize that there are only women in here, and several of us who are sitting near you, are blonde - AND, very physically fit enough to 'kick your sorry a$$', about 'blonde jokes'?" "Now, do you still want to tell your joke?"

The blind man immediately replied, "Hell, no. Then, I'll have to repeat the joke, several more times!!"
 

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A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley.

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"
 

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If Motorcycles had Bumper Stickers

If Motorcycles had Bumper Stickers

SLOW DOWN AND CRUISE:

-I'll Shift Into 2nd Gear Tomorrow
-Not Snoozin' Just Cruisin'
-Boldly Going Nowhere
-It's Called Throttle Therapy
-Motorcycle Yoga
-Sultan of Slow
-Honk, Like I Care
-Torque Dork
-Two Inches Below Sea Level
-Acceding The Speed Limit
-Bicycles May Pass On The Left
-Your Psychiatrist Needs A Motorcycle
-Get Out Your Ear Plugs
-Turn Off Your Car Alarm
-Low, Slow and No Place to Go
 

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Southern Lady

A very gentle Southern lady was driving (on her Titanium Wing) across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day.

As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man afixin'
(ready) to jump.

She stopped and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."

He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."

He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''

She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you
dumb a$$ Yankee."
 

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true story

Friend of mine was a nuke engineer and applying for a job. He was at the medical exam with the other guys who were also applying. One by one they'd go in and see the doc then coume back out and wait as a group for the next step. When Jim goes in the doc examins him and then says ok, take off all your clothes, I need to see you walk back and forth and check your posture. Jim thinks...Hmmm well I guess. He is a doc. Then the doc has him sit down and finish up some questions while still naked.

He gets dressed and sit back in the waiting room. After a bit, he looks around the room and says "Hey you guys, wasn't the whole walking back and forth naked thing kinda weird???"

They ALL look at him and say "HUH?"
 

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A lone biker riding through the back roads of Montana pulls into a rest area and notices the facilities consist of a small outhouse and notices a GL1800 parked close by.

The biker opens up the outhouse door and finds the GL1800 rider standing there, throwing money down the hole. This guy is throwing 5's, 10's, and 20's down the hole. When the biker sees him pull out a fifty, he yells at the guy to stop.

The biker says, "Man, why are ya throwin' yer money down there?" The GL1800 rider says, "Oh man, when I stood up and pulled my pants up, a quarter fell out of my pants and went down the hole."

The biker then asks, "So, you lost a quarter. Why are ya throwin' the rest of yer money down there?"

The GL1800 rider answers, "B'cuz man, I'm not goin' down there for just a quarter!"
 

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Went to a bar the other night and stayed late. Met a little honey and went home with her for a couple of hours. Couldn't think of an excuse for my wife when I got home. So,,,I smeared some oil on my jeans and went home. Wife said,,"and just where have you been"?? Told her I met a honey at the bar and went home with her. She saw the oil on my jeans and said "You liar,,you and your buddies have been working on that motorcycle again"!!!!!
 

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Three nuns go to heaven and St. Peter says, "You three have done such a wonderful job on earth that we are going to give you a bonus. You get to go back to earth for 6 months as anyone you would like to be" The first nun says "I want to be Sophia Loren"...poof just like she's gone, The second nun says, I want to be The Madonna" poof just like that she's gone, The third nun says," I want to be Sarah Pipilini". St. Peter says, "Sarah Pipilini, who on earth is Sarah Pipilini? The nun say "Oh Sarah Pipilini was famous look at this newspaper article they wrote about her". and she pulls a newspaper article out of her coat pocket. St. Peter reads the article and starts laughing and he says "Sister I'm afraid you've misread this article. It says The Sahara pipeline was laid by 400 men in six months.....
 

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jackrabbit said:
A lone biker riding through the back roads of Montana pulls into a rest area and notices the facilities consist of a small outhouse and notices a GL1800 parked close by.

The biker opens up the outhouse door and finds the GL1800 rider standing there, throwing money down the hole. This guy is throwing 5's, 10's, and 20's down the hole. When the biker sees him pull out a fifty, he yells at the guy to stop.

The biker says, "Man, why are ya throwin' yer money down there?" The GL1800 rider says, "Oh man, when I stood up and pulled my pants up, a quarter fell out of my pants and went down the hole."

The biker then asks, "So, you lost a quarter. Why are ya throwin' the rest of yer money down there?"

The GL1800 rider answers, "B'cuz man, I'm not goin' down there for just a quarter!"
Oh Yeah! :lol: :lol: :lol:
 

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At a pub in Ireland a large hairy woman wearing a sundress enters. There’s no room at the rail so, exposing a hairy armpit, she raises her arm and yells, “Ay! Who’ll buy dis lady a draft?” Avoiding eye contact the patrons all look away, except for a pie faced drunk at the far end of the bar. The drunk say’s, “Barkeep, give dat ballerina a beer n put it on me tab.” The barkeep delivers the draft. The big woman tips her mug and slugs it down. Slamming her mug on counter she says again, “Ay! Who’ll buy dis lady anodder round?” Again all eyes avert when the pie faced drunk speaks up. “Barkeep, give da ballerina anodder round, put it on me tab.” The barkeep does as he’s told and while the woman tosses it back, he asks the drunk, “why my friend do you insist on callin her a ballerina?” The pie faced drunk answers, “any woman can lift her leg that high… gotta be a ballerina.”… and his Goldwing remained in the parking lot.
 

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A girl from Indiana and a girl from the east coast were seated side
by side on an airplane. The girl from Indiana , being friendly and
all said, "So, where ya from?" The east coast girl said, "From a
place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of
a sentence." The girl from Indiana sat quietly for a few moments and
then replied:
.
.
.
"So, where ya from.... Bitch?"
 

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THE 6 BEST SMARTASS ANSWERS OF 2006

SMARTASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMARTASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your
stub."

SMARTASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMARTASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.

SMARTASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "
Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he
gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the
truck driver, puts his hands
on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was
delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMARTASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a
death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would
you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is
restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and
sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand

Hope that made your day better!!!
 

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A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first
but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the say the following:

"Emma comes first, Den I come, Den two asses come together, I come once-a-more, then two asses, they come together again, I come again and
pee twice, then I come one lasta time.

"You foul-mouthed, sex-obsessed swine" retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country... we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi'."

I BET YOU READ THIS AGAIN !


Some Short Ones

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near
the place.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and
four people died.

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee
table. They couldn't help me.

What's another word for "thesaurus"?

When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking
spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only
child... eventually.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the
same room and let them fight it out.

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like
I'm the only one moving.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the
radio, I think, "Hey, maybe I wrote that."

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I
get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to
see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.

I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a
message and I'll call when I'm out."

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll
just be walking down the street and... oohh, that's much better.

I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep
it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
 
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