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353 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I know no all these tools are use on the G Wing but thought we should know what they are all for

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner
where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, `Oh sh --

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off boltheads. If nothing else is available,
they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing

TABLE SAW: A large staUonary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-Un oil cans and splashing oil
on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling TDAMM-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
often, the next tool that you will need.

300 Posts
I needed that after a frustrating and long day of work. Brought a smile to my face and I believe I even heard a chuckle or two!

On a more serious note, the drill press and pliers descriptions sound way too familiar--blood blisters and out of control spinning parts!!!

Unfortunately, the screwdiver in the palm of the hand sounds a little familiar as well.

19 Posts
More tools

Pneumatic nailer: Tool for nailing two adjoining fingers together.

Floor Sander: Used to create canyons, valleys, and rivers in previously flat flooring.

Dremel : High RPM device which holds various small size attachments that sand, grind, polish, cut and otherwise mutilate everything except the specific area, object or part thereof desired to be sanded, ground, polished or cut.

#7 Carburetor Hammer: Any hammer of sufficient size and length needed to completely destroy the object within its reach.

Titus Andronicus
"I wish I didn't know know what I didn't know then" -- Frank Zappa

87 Posts
My daddy always told me, "Use tools right, son. :tools1: Don't pound with a big wrench, when a small one will do." :p

1,171 Posts
Helpfull hint. A high speed drill and long bit are great hair removers.
No stuble just nice clean scalop.:22yikes:

AS they saiy Don't ask how I know.

88 Posts
i have them all:oops:
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